Summertime is not just an excuse to dive into pools and fire up the grill, but to deck out your lawn with lawn ornaments! But let’s be honest here: The options aren’t all that tasteful. Think: pink flamingos, or ladies bending over in polka-dot skirts.
We’ve covered tacky lawn ornaments in the past, and as this latest wave of options makes all too clear, little progress has been made to make lawn decor more aesthetically palatable. If anything, it’s gotten worse. So in case your taste is questionable and you want some guidance on what not to put on your lawn (or some great gag gifts to give your lawn-loving friends!), check out these weird choices below.
A peeing dog
It’s bad enough when your real dog sprays your potted begonias or picnic-table legs, but to install a shrubbery version frozen in midair is really the limit. It’s also quite pricey, at $169 (for sale at Grandin Road, in case you care). And yet, not to be a total downer, per the product description, there are many perks to having a fake bush shaped like a dog: It’s “hassle-free, mess-free, and the neatly manicured look lasts without worry or pruning. Just place, and unleash the instant personality.” “Personality” is one way to put it, for sure.
‘Star Trek’ gnomes
Sure, “Star Trek” mania is all-consuming and can span universes, but to put this love on display in your lawn? Not good. Even the most die-hard Trekkie should think long and hard about putting these little guys within plain sight of their neighbors. And besides, the only characters on hand are Wesley Crusher, Geordi La Forge, Q, and Deanna Troi, as they all hail from “The Next Gardenation” collection. A classic like Spock, we’d give a pass … almost.
Naked Venus statue
Can’t get to Italy to visit the classic statues? Please try to save up rather than purchase this Venus ($139, DesignToscano.com). With this likeness on your back lawn, the neighbors’ kids will gawk all day.
Faces on trees
Sure, those talking trees in “The Wizard of Oz” are a hoot, but that’s no reason to plaster your own elms with this monster visage ($40 on Amazon, in case you beg to differ). In our humble opinion, trees are beautiful things all on their own; there’s no need to gimmick them all up.
This photo (grabbed off Flickr so we don’t know how to help you buy your own—sorry!) is kinda funny, but animals humping is just hard to explain to a 4-year-old. Yes, birds and bees do it, and the term “breed like rabbits” is a cliché for good reason, but that doesn’t mean it belongs on your lawn.
Zombie gnomes having lunch
Here’s one way to satisfy your love (or hatred?) of both gnomes and flamingos. Little men gorging on the innards of an innocent bird take the cake when it comes to poor taste! Sadly, someone actually snapped this pic on someone’s lawn, so we don’t know where you can buy your own. But perhaps that’s for the best.
There are no words to describe this cross between an ogre and Cousin Itt from “The Addams Family” ($51, Lowes). Suffice it to say that you should not go there. One is bad enough, but a whole herd? Worth trying only if you want no visitors, ever.
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